From a very early age, John Caparulo knew exactly what he wanted to be when he grew up— a grizzly bear. Unfortunately, like most youngsters with such lofty aspirations, his grades just weren’t good enough. So young John joined the navy in search of adventure. But his dreams were dashed once again when he realized it was the Old Navy, and the only adventure they could offer him involved folding cheap khakis for minimum wage. Cap wouldn’t let such minor disappointments sway him from finding a fulfilling career path though, and he decided to open his own karate dojo to teach deaf and blind kids how to defend themselves. It took about 6 years before anyone figured out that John didn’t know karate. The blind students had no idea what they were being taught had been derived mainly from Jackie Chan movies and Hong Kong Phooey or that Cap’s dojo was actually in his front yard. None of the deaf kids were able to win a fight against John, and naturally neither were any of their mothers. But after many of them watched Cap break his foot attempting to chop a board in half, the writing was on the wall, even in Braille. So Cap closed his front yard dojo forever and left town. Since then, he’s pursued a relatively successful career in comedy. After working all over the globe for the past 20 years, he can now be seen exclusively at Harrah’s Las Vegas every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday until hibernation season, as he is still of course very much an aspiring grizzly bear. What a fuckin’ weirdo.